You Know It's Okay To Not Be Okay?

I AM 18, when I was five, I thought I would have life figured out by now. I thought I might be going to Uni, I thought I might be a superstar or a mega-rich world leader, instead, I’m sitting in my yard all day doing nish...scratch that my parent’s humble abode and now they are getting sick of seeing me lying about.

Its hard man, sitting around doing nothing, I mean it’s quite exhausting really. To literally watch all your peers doing bits, but your just out here, doing some wasteman job for someone who doesn’t respect you and belittles your intelligence. Absolute shambles. Ya boi had big dreams of becoming the prime minister but I eventually gave up on that one after the Brexit vote.

For a long time, I didn't realize that it was okay not to feel 100 all the time. I felt like if I wasn't on positive vibes every day that I was failing at life. I realized that I can let myself not be okay. Sometimes I would tell myself lies to a point where I would believe it, lies like; "I'm okay", "I'm fine", "I'm doing great", but I wasn’t. I shoved lie after a lie down my throat and plastered a huge smile on my face. But inside I was screaming struggling to be breath because I didn’t allow myself to be okay with not being okay. Every time a negative thought came, I felt ashamed.

I remember when was on that positive vibe shit in secondary school, that’s a time where I can truly look back and say I felt genuine happiness in some moments but experienced lows that I wouldn’t admit to myself. I felt carefree I didn’t really have any true responsibilities the hardest decisions I can remember making back then is choosing my GCSEs and whether I should do higher or foundation Maths. Which I’m not gonna lie they were piss easy compared to the decisions I’m making now in life...I’m not really making decisions but everything feels final. I mean these bitches lied to us they said, and I quote “GCSEs are the most important exams of your LIFE”, I mean I get why they did that but that shit caused me maaaad anxiety.

I remember having zero friends when I first started which was in year 8 because I was home-schooled for 4 years (I’ll tell you0 about that one another time). I had the lowest self-esteem and assumed everyone hated me so I would push everyone away. I’m ngl part of the reason I didn’t have friends was my own damn fault. As I assumed everyone that wanted to be my friend was playing a cruel trick on me. That’s probably due to the fact I watched movies like "Mean Girls" and I wasn’t trying to end up like that basic bitch Cady Heron. People can be snakes especially kids in their formative years but you should try and put yourself out there.

Some may hate you but you’ll find a few that love you and you’ll never know if you don’t try, just try and keep your energy high and when you see people moving mad towards you cut that hoe off.

If there’s one thing I could say to my younger self it would be; relax, don’t take yourself too seriously and it is not a race take it at your own pace. There ain’t no manual to life bih.

I’ve learned now and still working at it, to positively criticize myself instead of sayin shit like “you’re trash”, “why you so stupid”, “you’re lazy”, ”I hate you” but to instead appreciate where I am and just realize I'm doing way better than I was doing yesterday, just by still being alive, by choosing to live I’m doing better. I mean, I remember one time my dad said if you’ve got a problem find a way to fix and if you just can't, find a way to live with it.