The Crush Chronicles: Chapter 2 – The Babe On A Boat

Dating can feel like stepping under, hot stage lights with no script in my hand, fumbling lines while someone sits in the dark deciding if I’m worth the role. Stumbling for my words trying to impress this person, who i dont really think cares to know me. Just how i would fit in their life. I am a tick box, do i fit.

Dating is exhausting, the performance of self. Putting on a mask of who is desirable, going over these cues.

Never revealing the truth to soon. 

it’s so exhausting, I don’t like the performance of dating.

I always feel silly just asking can I have a hug and hold your hand? 

I pull away from a kiss, not cuz i am tryna diss.

I am just take it slow, that’s all it is.

I just want to know.

I want to know what makes you glow.

Why kiss me when you have not even held me?

I mean I struggle with physical affection a little… a lot, it makes me uncomfortable and then it makes me sad.

I feel like i am in a bubble and i want to be reached, to be held but not to soon, in the right way, but this thing comes with out warning invading my brain with memories i cant shake. I dont want to spill my whole soul on a date about the reasons, I struggle kissing. like i like you, its just mannnn.

I just am confused about what people consider physically affectionate within romantic relationships.

in all honesty, I’m confused by the definition of romance but thats for a different yapp sesh.

Today i am gonna tell you about the non-binary person who lived on a boat. They used all pronouns, so you’ll see me switch between them as I write. It feels right, because that’s how I experienced them. The babe with the boat. 

we dated for a few months,  i didnt feel weird and i discovered.

i was truly queer.

we didn’t workout,

not in the traditional sense of “working out”

but the impression of them was left.

A version of love that I kept.

The progression of physical affection 

It didn’t feel slow it felt right on time.

It help me discover my rhythm.

We would not talk that much over text, but the dates were scheduled 

I find that way of working best

I like scheduling dates, putting him in my calendar, I’m gonna see you next week

Their name shining in my calendar

saving up things to share for when I saw them

In person

the rhythm that flows, its a dance, the plans made with care.

I understand people like to go with the wind,  spontaneous, but that’s not me.

It gives me anxiety. Don't text me last minute, be intentional.

she was intentional.

I liked that there was a plan, I like to be pencilled in, scheduled, a rota for dates.

I felt important, i made sure to not be late.

Sometimes I speak like resource and planning.

Asking ‘ at your earliest convenience could you tell me when you're free, the come see me’

I understand it is annoying, It can feel cold,  clinical but i promise it’s me caring.

my disjointed way of flirting.

I like to give clarity

I speak like I want HR to the people i care for.

I hate confusion

I enjoyed our time dating 

It started with them DMing  me on TikTok, we had matched before on hinge and ended up not going on a date a few years ago.

Then i guess we came up on eachothers FYP.

Then we went on a date 

We met at the independent cinema in my city, The Phoenix cinema, the ball lights making it look like a futuristic spaceship, we sat at high top table, they got me a hot chocolate because i dont drink tea.

They wore a flowy white shirt and brown trousers. they had a lot of earth tones on.

The cafe area in the cinema was quite, we people watched, talked for a few hours, about gender, sexuality, being on the spectrum, our attachment style and played we’re not really strangers 

We both left each other a note saying we wanted to see each other again 

It warmed my heart 

It made me feel giddy 

and on the date, we walked around some more, i showed them my city.

They asked do you wanna see me again…as in a date

i said yes

we was walking past the Curve Theatre

so we got tickets for the week after for my Beautiful Launderette

It felt easy, there was clarity, with ease.

I liked that 

Before the second date, they asked me what my favourite snacks was 

and I just used a filler word like mmm poppets i mean M and Ms, I didn’t even know those were a real sweet poppets.

They said they searched all the corner shops in the village to find the poppets for me.

I bought mint-flavoured chocolates and nuts because they said those were their favourite snacks 

I wore green

During the interval, they asked if they could put their hand on my knee 

I said yes 

And I felt warm inside 

Afterwards, I saw some people, I did to Community theatre with 

I kinda wanted to leave the conversation, so I slowly backed away like Homer

then another date, I went to their boat 

I took a picture of his cat, on my film camera.

We were supposed to watch Harry Potter, but we ended up just talking about our childhood. She showed me videos she made on her YouTube. 

I showed her my YouTube videos.

we laughed and the conversation flowed. we drew each other and made plans for the next date.

He dropped me to train station to make my way home, hugged me tight.

Hold 

I realised 

while they held me 

in their arms

i felt no harm

i wanted to remain 

wrapped

not got back to life

to fall in the

monotonous trap  

they squeeze

i feel the light breeze

this feels like ease

we did jewellery making together

we talked, they told me some things about themselves, a little story of people they had previously dated. We shared some secrets, you leaned into me, pouring into my ear with cheer.

After that, we watched a really shit film, our fingers touching the tips of each other.

we did our Letterboxd reviews at the same time.

yours was in depth, you describe the lens the path of the story.

mine was short.

just a quick two lines about how only one of the actors was good.

after the film, I walked them to their car

he asked if he could kiss me

i said yes

that was the first kiss and the last

they pulled away 

and it hurt

I reached out

they told me they just wasn’t ready and they hope that we could be friends.

Now we text every so often

And I think of them I think of them fondly

It was a nice experience

That did hurt

but it made me realise more of myself

i had wrote a poem that I wanted to share with them, i wrote this after our second date,  when we went to go watch my beautiful Laundrette - I thought these words for just for them, but they are for me, on my discovery of love and connection.

🧡 

(Wait to share)

I love you 

Platonically 

Romantically 

Whatever the fuck you want 

From me 

I’m trying to 

Give it to 

You

Consume you 

Amuse you 

I want to 

Be know by you

I feel at home 

With you 

Sometimes it scares me 

That you feel so familiar 

Like a place I’ve been 

Before

I adore 

you 

You feel safe

Like a place 

Where a can show my

Face 

Unmask 

Let it all go 

A bean 

Planted 

From the ground 

I shall grow

So high 

I can touch the sky

Time passes by 

It’s almost 

Like 

Flying 

So many things are

Going 

Going 

Going 

And

Gone 

I love you 

Romantically 

Platonically 

I will give you 

Ever last drop

Of me

In a language 

That you understand 

I am not to proud 

I ain’t gotta be a man

I will stand 

In love 

A love made for you 

Not just for me 

It’s something 

I want to

Give 

Selflessly 

No expectations 

Of getting it back 

I just want to love you 

Matter a fact

It’s spilling over 

The love 

The love

The love

I watch you from afar

The way you play with 

Your hands 

on

Your rings

I mean 

the rings 

on 

Your hands 

Your eyes 

Smile before 

The mouth follows 

I like making you smile 

a little a ray of sunshine 

Lights up inside 

When you laugh at a joke

That is mine

I love you 

Romantically

Platonically 

I want to 

Give you

The 

Best

Parts of me

—

another spill from my heart at midnight

I hope you like

Even if you don’t

I just wanted to put this on the Internet archives

thank you for reading