My Thoughts On Gender

moments of euphoria and sitting with who I am

Someone said to me recently

that the only things

we know for sure in this life

is that you’re black and that we are all gonna die. 

Everything else is fluid.

I don't know if I'm a boy. 

I actually don't know. 

I don't know. 

I don't know. 

but I've always had this feeling.

i would feel like euphoria, when people thought i wasn't a girl. 

I get a warm feeling in my chest. 

I remember when I was 14

I would always would shop in the boys section

when anyone would give me a compliment on my outfit, or my jewelry

I would say loud and proud 

This is from the boys section in Primark.

I am wearing men's clothes.

29th Aug 2011 - Primarni swagger 

I remember in secondary school they used to call me

Gay Boy. 

I went to an all girls school

I don't know if it was bullying, I liked it though, regardless of their intent, something about it made me feel seen

to be described as not just a man, but a gay man.

I don't know it was freeing. 

And I remember this one girl, I don't know if she was trying to make fun of me, or flirt with me.

She told me her brother made fun of her and was like, why are you staring at that boy's profile picture for so long, do you fancy him? 

She kept emphasing her brother thought i was a boy, in front of the whole class 

All I was thinking was

why was she staring at my profile picture that long

9th Jan 2013 - facebook profile picture

So, I don't know.

Am I trans boy, trans man?

don't know. 

I don't need to know

sometimes I like being hyperfem.

sometimes i like being masculine, in a gay wayyyy

I'm not on any hormones. 

I don't know if I'll go on hormones. 

Just because I already have a hormonal imbalance because I've got PCOS. 

My gender has not changed, but my relationship to it has expanded as the language around gender expands but its something that always been there

whether i knew the words or not.

holy drag - world book day - i am jesus 2013

another moment that brings me a feeling of warmth in my chest

I used to work with my mum at leicester market

i was maybe like 12 years old

a few times people would say 

oh your son so handsome 

then my mum would correct them 

then one time she didnt 

she just smiled and said thank you

it was nice to be a boy 

to be perceived as a young man who was handsome.

20th July 2012 - Leicester Market selfie from my 3ds

I already existed outside of the binary and enjoyed it,

but now there is more language to describe what's going on, and I feel less free.

funny

I felt more seen being called Gay Boy.

Than i do with all these labels

I don't know and I don't really think I want to know

the labels are becoming something for

me translate myself

rather than a form of expression

its not about what best fits me,

it for them

for me to fit their binary 

for me to be easy to consume

for me to be boxed in

I felt free to just be at home and I would come out in so many different ways 

and my mum did make fun of me for that. 

It would always be an announcement that I made 

to

my mum

my sister

my brother

I’m Bisexual.

I’m Pansexual.

I’m Poly.

I am Queer. 

I’m maybe questioning my gender. 

I remember when I was like 16,17

I announced that I wanted to be called Elijah

my mum said, are you coming out againnnn?

that kinda hurt my feelings, 

but my sister started calling me Elijah she still calls me Elijah sometimes 

I came out to my sister recently that I think I might be a boy and she said

God I already knew you came out when you were 16

You are whoever you wanna be

I think I’m scared

I’m scared that I might not be correct

I'm scared i am correct

I’m scared that maybe I’m not a boy. 

I am scared that i am a boy

maybeI i just don’t like being sexualised as a woman.

Victimised as a woman

I’m scared about what will happen to me if I transition even socially not medically but what will that mean? 

Where do I stand? 

Where do I fit because I wouldn’t be man but I wouldn’t be woman anymore.

I dont want to be a boy, I dont want to be a man 

but i dont know if i am a woman

i dont feel completely held by the word

WOMAN

I’m scared because I thought I knew Me

but I don’t really 

because I’ve not let myself really explore my identity 

because I’m always thinking of how to translate my identity to someone else. 

This imagined audience needs to understand me before i ever get the chance to just feel me. 

I am giving myself permission to be confused 

i am undefined 

The only 2 thing i know for sure

1. I am black

2. We are all going to die

the rest is is fluid 

Black Star Babyyyy