i thought i was jesus

This is a personal reflection on psychosis, trauma, and recovery.

I’m sharing it gently, for those who may have lived something similar.

It isn’t meant to be dissected or debated — just held.

I’m still in the process of healing, and this is one part of my story, told in my own time and my own way.

Witness Me, Dont FIX me

i don’t need it to be fixed 

i just need you to witness

tell me i exist 

feel my presence 

sit with me 

in my pain

don’t fix it 

don’t touch it

i just need you to sit 

don’t try fix shit

don’t try to understand 

don’t take up

space on my land 

trying to come to conclusions

you will end up becoming

disillusioned 

i don’t want solutions 

i know that 

may sound like confusion 

i am bleeding out 

i scream and shout 

you try to fix 

but to me that feels like a diss

don’t fix 

just witness

my brain snapped when i was 19

but if we are being honest

it was building up

the weight of violence, degradation, depression and self hatred

building up

i would acknowledge the fucked up thing - even from Journal entries months before I knew my mind was going to snap

It’s kind of comforting in fact

That I’m self-aware enough to know when I’m going to break

i never really sat with the wounds

i just looked at them

and thought that was enough

acknowledgment of the pain

I thought knowing there was pain knowing that was hurt. It was enough.

Enough to heal

but healing is so much more than that.

then i finally snapped when someone who had hurt me deeply admitted it

they told me they knew what they was doing when they took things from me

There was no confusion

There was no blurred lines

They knew

They admitted they had known the whole time it was wrong and it was never my fault

i did not feel power

i felt like shit

i felt sick

the years i had gone over it my head

down playing the harm

pushing my discomfort down

till

the pounding

sound

rung to loud in my ears to ignore

they said “i knew what i was doing”

i snapped

i just lost touch with reality for a bit

i mean it was years of carrying

things from childhood

repeated cycles of harm

in adolescent relationships

that i blamed myself

then they said

“I knew what I was doing”

that line

those words

let me finally breathe

let me find you tell the truth to me

it felt like my brain was set alight

like i had taken some kind of drug

I remember the feeling it was like when you chew extra gum and your breath feels hot in your nose

a veil had been lifted

and what was underneath was ugly yet beautiful

because it was never my fucking fault

i didn’t deserve it

then came substances to cope

alcohol, a little bit of weed

to sooothe me

then i stopped sleeping

staying up all night

replaying each scene

replaying the moments

with a new lens

With the truth

then came jesus

ooooo spiritual psychosis is…it’s something

me i thought i was jesus

well not actually but like maybe

i was like me and top dude have a very similar life but also i have kinda always been a fan girl for jesus in a camp way

i dressed up as him for world book day.

The layers to the story is kind of funny only in retrospect in the moment it was absolutelyyy terrifying.

but not gonna lie, it was also electrifying.

me dressed up as jesus for world book day

then came the seeing shit from lack of sleep

words was reforming in front of my eyes

i was like shit

i am losing my mind

fuck

fuck

fuck

i was stuck in the loop

in my head

then came the psych ward

sectioned

for 3 weeks

it took about 5 years to get back to me

i was admitted in april 2020

it’s september 2025

I never had another episode of psychosis at least

I was diagnosed with autism in 2022

I knew myself

From reading my diary entries and my voice memos I have from time

I was aware of myself, but more than I can list what’s going on I can list how I’m feeling. I just didn’t know how to stop.

stop this train of resurfacing pain

i realise

i was hiding something

telling myself things was not as bad

I would actively make excuses

I sometimes call myself dramatic for having panic attack

I hated myself

but i share this now

because i am ready

i am not ashamed

that i am not all the wayyy okay

i have seen some bright days

for me

healing is acknowledging the shit

i can’t just love and light my way out of traumatic experiences

for me it will result in implosion

I want to tell the truth

the truth that I’m comfortable with telling

not all of it, just some of it

because I think if I heard something like this when I was going through something like that, it would’ve helped just a little bit to see

I’m not alone

since then

i have started therapy

sharing my art helps

also be okay with spectrum of my emotions and really being able to know myself

to know when i am slipping

and knowing who i can call to help me

my community

helped save and find myself

I’ve also learnt to walk away, not because you’re hurting me in the most disgusting ways, but if you remind me of something you have to go

For me and for you

I can’t stay in rooms that make me feel small

i am okay

with not having all the answers

i am okay with not being okay

this is a portion of my life

not the whole story

just the tip

of the iceberg

i share for those who have experienced similar

you are not alone

i share to help my family and love ones better understand

I share because I would like to take up space

do not place me in a box based on the vulnerability i shared of my past

thank you

Please do not play with me

i am not the one or the two

i share this vulnerability as this is apart of my story i am not ashamed of it

so unna betta watch yourself

i say with this with upmost kindness

just because i am being vulnerable is not invite for you to start moving mad

so relax and respect

i refer you to my article don’t stigmatise yourself for anger

i promise you, you push past a point i will cuss you out

loveeee

Blessed Be

blessed be the lip gloss.

It makes me feel like a queen

when I place the gloss pan me.

No one can chat to me.

God is never above me.

God is within. I

am divinity

call it the holy trinity

lip gloss,

cocoa butter

and me

shining brightly.

I truly believe

you ask if I pray

you ask if I know God by name

my God does not shame.

My God wraps me in holy vines

holds me close.

We are all the devine.

blessed be my shine.

I walk as if I own time

Cursed be the eyes that doubt

you want me to shrink,

but I shout

without even

opening my mouth.

I am proud.

You want to take

while never giving me a plate.

I should be meek get on my knees.

No

who gave me this glow

who anointed my lips

who gave me the shake in my hips me

I did

me

blessed be

blood on my gi,

the blood running through me